*Warning - This post will contain more words of curse than usual. This dumb shit has struck a chord with me.*
Wednesday, April 19th, 2017 will live in infamy, as the day that Starbucks released the surprisingly controversial Unicorn Frappucino. I, of course, saw that it was available and went and got one for myself and my employee. The colors were great, the idea fun, and the flavor was tolerable. Would I order it again? No. Was it worth the Instagram and novelty? Yes. Was it worth the annoying Facebook comments, and angry blogs and articles that followed? I guess that's not up to me to answer. Those of you that are feeling angry, irritated, and annoyed, is that exciting for you? Do you enjoy getting worked into a red hot lather? If so, Starbucks succeeded this week. You gave them a lot of PR. Here are my thoughts on the haters. We're going to break this down like Spicy does with his box of dollies for all you girls and boys.
Also, we're not judging you for this trend. Well, maybe a little...
2. You're concerned about our health. "It has so much SUGAR!" Well, no fucking duh! It's a rainbow colored milkshake. Where were you last month? I didn't see any of you coming for the Shamrock Shake, and that shake was shook!
You all wannabe nutritionists fall into two categories.
A) You eat like crap sometimes, maybe even every day. Some of you I've seen sucking down up to 3 Caramel Macchiatos on a particularly shit-filled Monday. Or did you forget those have sugar, fat, and chemicals as well? Back the fuck off! Let's not kid ourselves. Starbucks is the McDonald's of coffee. It's mostly junk food in liquid form.
I drank the Grande Unicorn Frap at a whooping 410 calories. I did get a wicked sugar rush, but it passed, and I worked out that evening, which negated the calories. My health and the health of those around you is not your business to comment upon, unless specifically asked. My doctor happens to think my diet is healthy (mostly). My vitals, and blood tests are rocking on all points, and I have the pulse of a runner. So said my doctor. Now, I realize some people can't handle sugar for a variety of health reasons, much like my husband can't handle salt. He's had high blood pressure since he was 24, but again, any advice he needs can come from a licensed professional. I, on the other hand, frequently indulge in MSG, and I've never had a migraine. It boils down to genetic.
B) I love you guys. God bless you for eating whole foods you organically grew in your own yard, fertilized with your family's feces. Thank you for making tasty desserts out of avocados and bananas. You're healthy. Your skin glows, and you never forget to remind us of your dietary restrictions. I'm genuinely proud of you for living according to your values and convictions. That said, you don't need to tell the rest of us assholes how unhealthy something is. We know, and you know, that we're going to die first. But... we get to eat bacon, Nutella, and cheese. Glorious cheese!
By the way, as far as food goes, cheese is the number one killer. Look it up. That bastard is stopping hearts on the daily.
3. Those of you hating because it's popular, and you're so much cooler than that, "Starbucks is stealing your money," blah, blah, blah.
Nope, I knew I bought that drink for the picture I would take. Please tell me you have never purchased something after seeing an advertisement, and I will go home. Life is incredibly boring, and repetitive sometimes, and trends create excitement about something that isn't personal and/or stressful. Remember Pokemon Go? Some people joined the bandwagon, and some people hated on it. It's ok to not join, but do you have to jump on the wagon going the opposite direction? You could just watch from the sidelines. See, our wagon is a unicorn drawn carriage that showers rainbows and butterflies as it drives by, and it's fueled by fairy laughter. You chose to hop on the sad, gray, dripping wagon. It's fueled by CostCo hot dog burps (comment if you know what I'm talking about), and this is your driver.
In summary, don't be a hater! My mom taught me that hate is a waste of time. It's as strong an emotion as love, so why would you give anything you dislike that much of your time and energy? Try being indifferent. It could be fun...
I can count on one hand the foods I dislike, and I'll typically even eat those. Typically frugal, but I'll pay top dollar for an amazing/unique dining experience. Never passed up a free meal, which has led me to become the #36 ranked eater in Major League Eating. July 4th, 2020 will be my third time competing in the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest at Coney Island. I've been on ESPN. That's right people, I'm an athlete.